Silence, like a cancer, grows
Please be advised that this blog post discusses mental health issues, suicide and similar topics. If you’re affected by any of these issues, or are sensitive to them, please take care when reading it, and feel free to reach out for help There are a number of resources at the bottom of this article. Also, there’s some pretty drastic language further down, so you might want to take care when reading this at work.
I was out with a pretty bad headcold/flu/whatever last week, something that is still affecting me today, but I still need to write this, need to get this out. As is often the case for me when I’m recovering, I tend to let my guard down, and it is in these moments when all the memories of what happened two years ago come flooding back to me. My dad’s words that I “should start looking for flights” back to Germany, those dreadful hours waiting in vain outside the ICU to see my mom, “that” phone call the next morning, followed four months later by another dreadful, ominous silence as I waited in vain for my dad to pick up the phone with a horrible premonition building in my guts while hoping and praying for it not to be true. All of this was then topped by the crushing realisation that yes, they’re gone, and they’re not coming back. I’m on my own now. The last man standing.
As is so often the case in these situations, I run away into music, and the lyrics of one particular song have been running around in my head ever since: “Fools said I, you do not know; silence like a cancer grows”, which is of course from Simon & Garfunkel’s classic “Sound of Silence”. The more I think about it, the more I come to realise just how depressingly accurate this statement actually is. Silence is growing in our midst like a malignant tumour, a silence marked out by an inability to communicate meaningfully with each other, a silence that, despite an ever-increasing proliferation of means of communication, makes it harder, not easier for those silent martyrs battling their inner demons top seek help. Sure, there are mental health awareness campaigns out there, dedicated mental health days, but how serious are these being taken? There is a choir of dismissive voices decrying the whole issue, many employers still do not take it seriously, and even if they do so this will still not guarantee that you’re working under a manager that does.
To a degree, I cannot blame them. I mean how do you explain to these people those feelings of utter dread and emptiness that take a hold of you every morning? That pit, that black hole in your insides that is incessantly pulling you inward, trying to swallow you, end you? How can you explain to someone who’s focussed on getting you to perform at your peak that leaden tiredness that seems to tie you in place, that sucks out every bit of energy that you have to the point where even the simplest tasks require a herculean effort to get them done? How do you explain the disconnection? That invisible wall between you and your friends that makes it all but impossible to reach out, to ask for help? How can you expect someone to understand that feeling of reaching out to someone you care about only to realise that there is a barrier between you and them that seems to stretch for lightyears? You can’t, it’s that simple, and over time, a lie like “yeah, I’m okay” becomes dangerously easy to utter.
How do I know? I’ve been there. I’ve walked through that hell more times than I can count. And a little over two years ago, I stood on the ledge. I stood on the fifth floor balcony of my parents’ apartment in Germany at night, ready to jump. I ultimately decided not to do it, but I cannot, and will not blame any person in such a situation who decides otherwise. I know what’s going through the mind of someone who is ready to do so. These people are constantly at war, fighting a fight that no one can see and that only very few people can understand. And every single goddamn morning, they pick up the fight again, they battle their demons day in, day out, with no relief in sight. They’re worn out, exhausted from this fight and just tired, they don’t deserve blame, ridicule, or derision. They're warriors, to hell with the Green Berets, the SEALs, the SAS or KSK. What they do deserve is real, genuine support, access to professional help and the breathing space at work and outside of it to access this help, so give it to them, and actually be willing to listen to them if they do want to talk.
Oh, and spare them, and me the “fake outreach” that I see every single day out there. How often have I come across friends posts on various platforms that are seemingly supportive, a real invitation to those who are struggling to talk, only to come to the bottom of that post and see something that amounts to “Please copy this onto your timeline, don’t hit the “Share” button. I bet most of my friends won’t do it.” Seriously, what the FUCK??? There are people out there struggling just to face the day, and all you insolent little bitch are doing about is virtue signalling and fishing for likes? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? This isn’t some contest, there are people’s lives at stake here, so the least you can do is show them some fucking respect by not exploiting their situation to make yourself look better!
With all that being said, for me personally, though I have dealt with pretty much all of the above, I will wake up tomorrow morning, snooze my alarm clock for what feels like a billion times. Eventually, I will get up, get dressed and go to work. I will continue moving forward to see this story through to its inevitable conclusion, wherever and whenever that may be. I’m not well, haven’t been so for a while, and perhaps I never will be again, but for all the dark forces that are trying to pull me down, to paralyse me, to end me, there is also abundant light out there, more than enough for me to continue to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield! Over the last years, I’ve been blessed with some incredible friends who supported me, some of whom also were my managers. I’m on the cusp of living the life I always wanted to, and I’m living in a world full of breath-taking immensity and complexity. My parents not only brought me into this world, but also opened it up to me, and I’m not going to squander this opportunity to see as much of this magnificent world as I can in that fleeting, infinitesimal interval known as a human life.
To those out there who are not battling with mental health issues, I say count yourself blessed. You are the bearers of an immense gift, so don’t squander it. Be open and help those out there who need help. Give them comfort, but also give them the space they need. We are each here for but a fraction of a blink of an eye on the scales of the universe, stranded on some miniscule ball of rock in some forgotten corner of a rather unremarkable galaxy. If we don’t care for each other, who will?
There is no shame in asking for help, none at all. If you need someone to talk to, there are a number of free services that you can access.
Samaritans Ireland: 116 123
Shine
Grow: 1890 474 474
A full list is available over at Mental Health Ireland
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