Thoughts on Christmas

Christmas – Huh! – What is it good for? That is indeed the question, and it’s been on my mind for quite some time now, ever since I missed out on my first Christmas without my parents last year due to the mother of all flus. Well, at least one mother showed up last Christmas anyhow, but I digress. Just as I’ve found myself thinking more and more about the meaning of life, destiny, fate, mortality and all that kind of stuff, my mind has turned increasingly to Christmas, and what it stands for, as the dreaded date in 2018 draws inexorably closer. Originally, this was due to the fact that I wasn’t looking forward to spending it without my parents. But more and more, my thoughts have turned towards what Christmas with them actually meant, rather than the cold hard facts. And looking back, Christmas has, for me personally, always been about coming home. 

Since my teenage years, when I was sent out to attend a boarding school in Austria, Christmas has always meant hitting the road when the time came. Originally, this meant long train rides from Austria to first Heidelberg and then Frankfurt, followed by shorter train rides after I had returned to Frankfurt and my parents had moved to Speyer. Hey, that almost sounds like they were trying to get away from me! Mom, Dad, is there something you’re trying to tell me? Anyway, then came Apple and Ireland, and the journey became longer. Instead of trains, I was now relying on airliners to get me home. However, the feeling was always pretty similar. Giddy excitement for the trip ahead, even as a supposedly rational adult (whatever that may be), and a certain relaxed detachment as I navigated either through Dublin Airport, Frankfurt, Amsterdam, or squeezed into the perpetually overcrowded high speed trains between Frankfurt and Mannheim. The prospect of „home“ was always at the end of a journey, a space filled with warm light, smells reminding me of my childhood, and obviously lots of irreverent humor, jokes, sarcasm, and a genuine, welcoming love.

This symbolism has also for me shown up in the entire symbolism around Christmas. Mary and Joseph looking for a place to lay their head. The one solitary star, all alone in the night. All this just emphasises the homecoming aspect of Christmas in my eyes, the hope and longing for an arrival at a place where you are welcome and feel loved without condition. And then there’s the lights. For a brief while in the darkest time of year here in the northern hemisphere, cities, towns and villages begin to sparkle like miniature galaxies, districts, streets and even individual homes shining like island universes, banishing the encroaching darkness, and standing like beacons for those that are travelling home, just as hope and the love of a family can keep the turbulent and sometimes cruel present at bay, and act as a guide in trying times.

These musings have also lead me to another conclusion: Christmas is perhaps the most personal of all celebrations in western culture. Since it is such a huge fixed point in the year, and in our society, everyone is doing something, and will therefore have a very personal, almost intimate connection to this holiday, something that the wistful childhood memories of Christmases past are bound to only intensify. For some, this connection might be about the excitement as they helped out in the kitchen, for others it might be the solemn spectacle of midnight mass, while for others like me, it might all be about coming home, each milepost zipping by, each station passing by outside, every little bump of turbulence carrying you another step closer to your loved ones. Despite the constant attempts by churches to make their interpretation the only valid one for this holiday, Christmas has long since transcended Christianity. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate Christmas, no single authoritative voice what it is about, or what aspects of it are „good“ or „bad“. If there‘s christmas songs you hate, that is absolutely fine, but bear in mind that others might have a completely different attitude towards them. „Driving home for Christmas“ may just be a trite, unimaginative cash grab for some. For others, like yours truly, it might be one of the songs that actually describe the emotions of coming home. So don‘t judge, as tempting as it may be.

Where has all that musing left me, facing another solitary Christmas? Well, as strange as it may sound, that feeling of giddy excitement at the approach to the holidays has returned. Not because I‘ll be seeing my parents again, as much as I love them, there‘s far too much on this planet I haven‘t experienced yet. I‘ve simply found that „home“, a place where you feel secure, isn‘t always at the end of a journey. It is sometimes simply the place you‘re at. And despite all the turbulence of the last couple of months, the impending loss of my job, and my solitary future, my apartment has become this home. „Driving home for Christmas“ for me has meant coming through some of the darkest days of my life to see that there is really a light at the other end, a single star in the sky, and the promise of a comfortable, welcoming home. 

On this note, whether you are with your loved ones, far away from home, or staring out through a train window at the landscape passing by outside, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. Hug your family a bit tighter than usual, laugh, cry, feast, indulge, and enjoy that feeling of coming home.