Feel at home in the office - But for god's sake don't act like it!

The Office. It's been my natural habitat for most of my working life, apart from a brief period as a private gunslinger for the US Army in Germany back in 2005. In those fifteen years, I've gathered quite a bit of insight into this rather peculiar ecosystem, and it is really rather fascinating, though a bit disturbing sometimes. If you're a desk jockey like me, you'll most likely spend eight hours per day inside the office, most of them at your desk or in the common areas of your workspace. If you add the daily commute, you'll likely spend more time in the office than at home. So it makes sense that you want to make yourself at home at your office. A picture of a loved one, a few souvenirs from the trips you've taken, the ones without recourse to hallucinogenic chemicals naturally, and maybe a banner of your favourite sports club, all those items just make sense, and any sane employer or manager will tolerate or encourage these things, as long as they remain within reason. 
When you're spending so much time cooped up in a relatively small space, it makes sense that you want to feel as comfortable as possible, I'm no different. Some people seem to take that to the extreme though. There appears to be a certain subspecies of the common office worker that appears to have evolved a total apathy towards its surroundings. I get it every day in the company cafeteria. You open the fridge to get some milk for your coffee… only to be confronted by a row of empty, or nearly empty milk cartons. Gee, thanks a lot guys. My coffee is going to taste great with just a drop of nothing added… A similar issue exists with the coffee machine. My company provides full-service coffee and cappuccino machines in all canteens for free, yet for some reason, a number of people just let the milk tank run empty without refilling, or leave the coffee grounds container untouched, even though both issues are easily fixed. I have no issues fixing this, but if you seem to be the only one who appears to be willing to do this, let me tell ya, it gets just a little frustrating! 

While we're on the subject of company cafeterias, there's really a lot to love about them. The promise of a fresh coffee as soon as you step in the door, the fresh fruit that are free for anyone, or the lovely smell of two slices of toast slowly being turned into charcoal in the toaster. Okay, the latter one is rather less than attractive. Seriously though, when you pop your toast or bagel into an industrial grade toaster, stay with it, goddamnit. These things produce enough heat to make metal alloys malleable, so everyone with at least half a brain cell should be able to understand that. Yet somehow, every other day, the „wonderful“ smell of burnt toast will waft through the office, usually with a couple of guys and girls standing around, looking suspiciously innocent. A truly breathtaking experience, let me tell ya. 

Then, there‘s the bathrooms. I‘m not going to go into too much detail, let me just say this: If you act the same way at home as you do here in the office, remind me to decline any invitations to your home. I‘ve seen motorway rest stops that were in better shape, not to mention cleaner. Seriously guys, if you‘re going to a sniping challenge, use something more appropriate than that puny pea shooter you‘re packing! I could go on an be more detailed, but this is still a family rated blog, so I‘ll restrain myself. 

On to a similar dirty subject: desks. Remember what I said in the beginning about making yourself at home at your desk, since you‘ll be spending countless hours there anyway? Well, of course some people will naturally take that to the extreme. I know cleaning up your desk can be annoying, especially when you‘re in a high volume call center environment. Still, when you need a tunnel boring machine just to get to the power switch of your computer, it might be worth getting into the job. I remember an incident during the integration of an external team in one of my earlier jobs. One of the employees there, a brilliant fellow, needed to get a new desktop machine. However, when it arrived, the technician needed fifteen minutes to clear the desk from all the accumulated „stuff“ on there before he could start his actual job. The same goes for plants. In one of my earlier jobs, you needed a machete to get through to some desks. I really respect you for your green thumb, but when your cubicle begins to resemble the Amazonian rainforest, it might be worth scaling back the greenery before your desk gets classed as a nature reserve. 

I can see some managers amongst my readers beginning to salivate at the thought of imposing a strict clean desk policy, but don‘t get your hopes up. While a completely empty and barren wasteland of a desk might reflect the soul of many middle and high level managers, it is just as counterproductive, and in my eyes just simply a dick move employed by overly possessive control freaks. So don‘t do it unless you want your staff to feel miserable and start leaving in droves, because that‘s what will happen. I saw it personally at a world leading logistics company, shortly before I left for Ireland. 

Now granted, most of the stuff I mention might be considered petty by many people. Still, I needed to get it off my chest. Besides, with all the shit going on in the world at the moment, it felt good to write about something completely mundane and somewhat pointless. Thanks for bearing with me during this really random ramble.